Florida Man? No - Florida Airman!

They say Florida is where dreams go to retire. Apparently, so do brain cells, especially when the Super Bowl is involved.

A TDY to Florida for the Super Bowl—sounds like a dream, right? Well, our job was simple: be on standby in case anything weird or crazy went down at the game. Naturally, that meant we had two airplanes, two flight crews, and a handful of maintainers. Oh, and wouldn’t you know it—Clark was on this trip, along with a young pilot who partied just as hard.

The first night after settling in, we headed downtown to a bar. There, we had some laughs and bravely sacrificed our taste buds for the sake of… well, we weren't entirely sure at the time, as we drank some of the worst alcohol we could buy, just for fun. Somehow, that led us to a dance club, where we hung out for an hour before realizing it was getting late and our stomachs were screaming for food.

Cue the pizza place. This spot catered to the late-night party crowd, handing out slices to club-goers and questionable decision-makers alike. My buddy, the Captain, grabbed his pizza and stepped outside to call his girlfriend. When he finished his call and tried to come back inside, he discovered the door was locked. An employee stood guard, only allowing people to leave but not enter.

Now, in a move that will go down in drunken logic history. The Captain was furious at this "fire code violation.” In his defense, the fire code is important (especially when you're three sheets to the wind and craving pizza). Instead of brushing it off like any normal person, he made an executive decision—he called the cops. Amazingly enough, the cops were there within five minutes or less expecting a legitimate emergency. Spoiler: they were not amused. Lesson learned? 911 is not customer service.

With that fiasco behind us, we regrouped outside the pizza place, realizing it was finally time to head back to base. We tried calling the free hotline that offered rides to intoxicated troops on weekends, but the wait time was over an hour. Enter: Uber. And here’s where the night reached peak absurdity.

Five grown adults. One Uber. What could possibly go wrong? No worries, though. The Captain, ever the resourceful leader, volunteered for trunk duty. I'm pretty sure he saw it as a tactical advantage. The driver shrugged, gave us a nod, and suddenly, it was happening.

Midway through the ride, our Fearless leader suggested a McDonald's stop. Because if you’re gonna ride in a trunk, you deserve nuggets. We pulled into the drive-thru, ordered food for the Captain, (presumably something trunk-friendly) and then parked for a quick snack before facing our biggest challenge yet: sneaking six people onto base in a car that legally seated five.

We reassured our Uber driver: “Don’t worry, we’ll vouch for you. If things get weird, we’ll take the blame.” Good thing we all had a little bit of liquid courage because wow! I happened to be the front seat passenger and got to do all the talking to the gate guards.

When we pulled up, I explained our night’s adventures, emphasizing that our Uber was getting us back safely to avoid any stupidity. The guards seemed cool—until they announced they had to conduct a vehicle inspection before letting us in.

Panic mode.

Thinking fast, we devised a plan. As we pulled up to the inspection area, I jumped out, popped the hood, and launched into an extremely compelling distraction about the engine. Meanwhile, with teamwork worthy of a military operation, the Captain slid out of the trunk and joined the rest of the group, acting as if he’d been with us all along.

The guards completed their check, wished us a good night, and waved us through. We held our breath for 45 long seconds before erupting in laughter. They never caught the extra person. Mission accomplished.To those gate guards—if you ever reviewed the footage from that night and got into trouble, our bad. Nothing personal, just a classic case of drunk military ingenuity at work.

By the time we got back to our rooms, the sun was literally rising. And that? That was just night one of two or three more ridiculous nights ahead.

Think that was wild? You haven't seen anything yet! Subscribe below to catch the next chapter of my hilariously questionable Air National Guard adventures.